Communication, Sex and Casual Dating - For Adults
There seems to be a wealth of information out there to help people to communicate desires and boundaries within a long-term relationship. But what if you’re having sex outside of a relationship?
There’s no doubt about it, communication and sex can feel anxiety-inducing to many people. The typical depiction of passionate sex is one where words are not needed. Clothes are ripped off and mind-blowing sex ensues. But more often than not, this is a fantasy when it comes to casual sex. We would argue that pleasurable sex can only happen when people feel comfortable, and where boundaries and desires are expressed.
There seems to be a wealth of information out there to help people to communicate desires and boundaries within a long-term relationship. But what if you’re having sex outside of a relationship?
Even though more and more people are using dating apps and having sex with multiple partners, there seems to be a lack of information for people who are having more casual sex. So, how can you have pleasurable sex with someone, when you might not even know their last name?
1. Consider which kind of sex you want with a casual partner
We thoroughly recommend doing some research before you dive into the field (/Feeld). This involves understanding your own body, what you enjoy, what your boundaries are and what you are looking for in sex. This will help you to have fun, enjoyable sex with a partner.
Additionally, the type of sex people enjoy can change depending on the context. You might have previously enjoyed power-plays in your last relationship, but do you want this dynamic with someone you just met? Are there certain positions that you don’t think you’d feel comfortable doing with a casual partner? Is there part of sex which you feel anxious about?
For example, we hear from people who say they find it hard to orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex, and that it can stress them out to think that this is an ‘expectation’. Therefore, they tell their sexual partner that they don’t want to have this kind of sex initially, and instead talk about the kinds of sex which they do enjoy.
Another example is to explore what kind of feelings you enjoy during sex - such as intimacy. It can then be helpful to consider what makes you feel this intimacy: is it touch? Words of affirmation? Cuddles afterwards? This can help you communicate that you enjoy these parts of sex.
Whether you are sexually active or have yet to have partnered sex, there are loads of great resources out there which can help you to understand arousal, desire and bodies. Two of our favourites are Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast, and Come as You Are. These can help you to reflect on what you enjoy as well as give you the language to help express your findings to others.
2. A little more conversation, a little more action
Now that you’ve done your research, do you communicate your findings to someone else?
Broadly speaking, there are two options available to you: before sex or during sex.
In our experience, we have found more success with the former than the latter as:
It can take the pressure off
If any red flags arise during the conversation, it will feel easier to leave (although of course it is vital to remember that you can leave or change your mind at any point)
The conversation should come when it’s pretty clear that you both want to have sex. If you feel uncomfortable with the idea of directly asking “what kind of sex do you like?” you might begin by chatting about the experience of dating in general. This can then direct you into comments such as “I’ve appreciated having more open conversations about sex, have you found this to be the case?”
From here you can ask them directly if there’s anything within sex that they do or do not enjoy, or what kind of sex they enjoy. Be prepared that they might feel awkward or not know what to say. The benefit of being prepared means that you can provide examples, which will help them to give you more concrete information. Additionally, if you’ve recognised something like intimacy or power-play as something that you enjoy in sex, you can ask how they feel specifically about this.
Once you’ve had these conversations before sex, it can be much easier to express what you want / enjoy / don’t want / don’t enjoy during sex.
Again, it’s important to note that just because someone has had this kind of conversation, this does not count as consent, or a guarantee that they want to have sex with you and they also can change their mind at any point. It’s essential to check for consent throughout the sexual experience.
3a. Sexual Health…
The final tip is the most important. One of the key differences between having sex with someone you do know vs. someone you don’t know is the level of trust that has been established. You can never assume anyone’s sexual health status, but when it comes to casual encounters this is even more crucial as you really don’t know their sexual history at all.
For this reason, it is important that you always use a barrier method when having sex with someone. This might be a condom or a dental dame. Doing so hugely minimizes the risk of contracting an STI, keeps you safe and can give you peace of mind.
It is also important that you get regular sexual health checks. The more regularly you have these tests, the less people you will have to inform if at any point you contract an STI.
You can also speak to your sexual partner about it - this does not have to be awkward or unsexy. It is incredibly normal to ask when the last time they did an STI check was, or how frequently they get tested.
You might say things like:
“Just wondering, have you been tested recently?”
“When was the last time you had a test?”
If you can’t get to the clinic for any reason, home tests are also available for free via the NHS website.
3b. …and Safety
If you are meeting someone for the first time, it is important to let somebody know where you are going and who you are meeting. We would also strongly advise letting someone know when you are leaving, and whether you are going back to their house or going home. You can also share your location if you are going back somewhere which you are not familiar with.
Beyond the practical, the most important and empowering thing to remember is that you can change your mind or leave at any point. Whether that’s after the first drink, or when you are in bed with someone.
It can be a good idea to have some rehearsed phrases in your back pocket for these situations which you can practise out loud, at home:
“It’s been nice meeting you, but I’m going to go home now.”
“I’m not into this any more, so let’s stop.”
During the initial conversation, it can also be helpful to directly say “just so you know, I might change my mind and you have to be okay with this”. This can help to take the pressure off. It can also act as a litmus test, as if they act weird about this possibility it is a definite red flag.
We hope you find these tips useful - let us know if you do or if there’s anything you think should be included in this list of tips!
This blog post was created for people over the age of consent (16 in the UK), and it was made in the spirit of helping all people to have better relationships with their minds, their bodies and each other.
