A Teenager’s Guide to Consent
Our blog this month is written by our newest employee, Genevieve O’Carroll (she/her), 19. Genevieve was inspired to write this blog after reading Behind Closed Doors by Natalie Fiennes - a book we gift to our new employees!
This blog is for teenagers: to help you to understand consent, increase your confidence to talk about it and act to promote a ‘culture of consent’, ultimately preventing harmful sexual behaviours.
What is consent?
Consent is a voluntary, enthusiastic, and clear agreement between participants to engage in a specific activity. Under Section 74 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003, consent is when someone, “agrees by choice…and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice."
But sex is not a legal contract, and consent can be messy. The slogan ‘no means no’ is fundamental, but by implying that consent is always so simple, it fails to get to the heart of the complicated tangle of human emotions and actions that might be involved.
There are many instances where it becomes harder to see consent in terms of a binary yes or no. For instance, someone can say yes and then change their mind. Or they may not vocalise a ’no’ but their body language may indicate a lack of consent. It also leaves out situations in which someone is physically unable to say no. This includes when someone is asleep or unconscious, heavily intoxicated or distressed.
‘No means no’
You may recognise this saying if you ever had sex-ed in school (or watched the prolific, but limiting, cup of tea video!). It is about the responsibility to listen to and respect a ‘no’. It is also about the responsibility to say ‘no’ if you don’t want sex.
However, how easy is it to say ‘no’? How acceptable or unacceptable it is to say ‘no’ in our society even in a non-sexual situation? Such as somebody asking if you want to hang out or when someone invites you somewhere? Maybe you don’t feel like it but feel too awkward to say ‘no’, maybe you come up with an excuse, might you even lie or just go along with it even though you don’t want to?
Saying ‘no’ in our society is not normalised, which means it can be hard to say ‘no’ in sexual situations. Sex can be a vulnerable experience for lots of people and some people may not have the confidence to say ‘no’ or they might not fully understand their right to.
What is enthusiastic consent?
To put it simply, enthusiastic consent is looking for the presence of a ‘yes’ rather than the absence of a ‘no’. You don’t have to hear the word ‘no’ for someone to not want sex with you. If you haven’t heard an active ‘yes’ from your partner/s about the idea of sex, you cannot be sure you are having consensual sex. This means you don’t have consent, even if there hasn’t been an explicit ‘no’.
At the end of the day you want a sexual partner who is engaged and having fun! Practicing enthusiastic consent is a natural way to ensure everyone involved is having a good time when you want to involve in sexual activity. It’s easy - just check in with your partner every now and then to keep things enjoyable.
You might ask things like:
How does that feel for you?
Do you want me to stop / slow down / speed up?
How would you feel if I touched you there?
The complexities of enthusiastic consent
The focus of enthusiastic consent is about a mutual pleasure and desire, but we can’t ignore all the people who are consenting to sex that they don’t sexually desire. The model of enthusiastic consent can fall into the trap of labelling all non-enthusiastic consent as non-consensual and therefore rape.
For example, there are lots of people that consent to sex that they don’t enthusiastically desire in the way that we would expect from enthusiastic consent, in that they are sexually aroused and feeling sexual desire. That could include people like sex workers, asexual people, and people who are trying to get pregnant.
Sexual desire, enthusiasm for sex, and seeking pleasure are not the only reason that people may want to have sex. There is a quote from Katherine Angel’s book, ‘Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again’, which reads, ‘if consenting to sex must also involve desire or enthusiasm, the implication is that those consenting to sex without desire - sex workers for example - have not really consented. This makes the overriding of their agreement - their assault - meaningless, which in turn makes the protection of sex workers difficult.’
So here’s the thing: enthusiastic consent is great, and in a lot of sexual encounters it should absolutely be the thing that we are striving for. But, it becomes messy if we try to apply it as a universal standard of consent.
Authentic consent
Authentic consent is a framework developed by sex educator Dr Nadine Thornhill. She explains: ‘Authentic sexual consent is an agreement that is motivated by people’s sincere desires to have sex for reasons that may include (but aren’t limited to) pleasure, exploration, generosity, love, baby-making, or because it’s their job. Authentic consent can be enthusiastic, it can also be optimistically awkward, a means to an end, or entirely transactional. But at it’s foundation it’s always about folks agreeing to have sex because it’s what they want.’
Authentic consent is about explicit, detailed and honest communication - before intimacy, during intimacy and after intimacy. It’s much harder to violate consent when you’ve defined the terms of your intimacy explicitly and created a space for honest conversations.
You can change your mind at any time
You can withdraw consent at any time if you feel uncomfortable or simply want to stop. One way to do this is to clearly communicate to your partner that you are no longer comfortable with this activity and wish to stop.
You might say things like:
Can we stop?
I’m not into this anymore.
Let’s do something else instead.
Withdrawing consent can sometimes be challenging or difficult to do verbally, so non-verbal cues can also be used to convey this. The best way to ensure that all parties are comfortable with any sexual activity is to talk about it, check in periodically, and make sure everyone involved consents before escalating or changing activities.
What consent can look like:
Asking permission before changing the type of sexual activity with phrases like “Is this ok? Does this feel good?”
Your partner telling you how and where to touch you.
Telling you they like it, for example, saying ‘that feels good’.
Using physical cues to let the other person know you’re comfortable with things progressing to the next level. (See below)
*Physiological responses like an erection, lubrication, arousal, or orgasm are involuntary, meaning your body might react one way even when you are not consenting to the activity. Sometimes perpetrators will use the fact that these physiological responses occur to minimise a survivor's experience by using phrases such as, "You know you liked it." In no way does a physiological response mean that you consented to what happened. If you have been sexually abused or assaulted, it is not your fault.
What consent does not look like:
Silence or no response at all.
Stiff body language, avoiding eye contact, not touching the other person’s back.
A yes, only after they were pressured into a sexual act.
A yes, from someone who is too intoxicated to consent.
Wrapping up consent
Remember that the person who is looking to have sex is responsible for ensuring they have consent. It is an ongoing process; not just a ‘one off’. Consent to engage in one sexual activity does not mean consent to engage in other sexual activities. Consent can be both verbal and non-verbal and most importantly a person can change their mind and consent can be withdrawn at any time.
By having conversations about sexual consent we will make room for conversations which will help break down rape culture in our society. People will learn that they have choices, they have the right to say no, their body is their body and only they decide who touches them.
If there is any hesitation over consent or if you are not sure consent is 100% there, the best option is to stop and make sure the other person is okay.
If you have been sexually assaulted or have concerns about your experiences and consent there are a range of services available.
Rape Crisis provide support to all those affected by sexual violence.
Survivor’s UK is a sexual abuse charity for men, boys and non-binary people.
The Survivor’s Trust is a place for finding specialist support near you for adults and children who have survived rape, sexual violence or childhood sexual abuse.
Consent Wizardry is a place for anti-binary, somatic and trauma-informed consent guidance.
Refuge supports people experiencing domestic violence with a range of services.
Can We Talk About Consent? - A book by Justin Hancock for 14+ year olds.
Remember you can also always talk to a trusted adult in your life: e.g a parent, caregiver, teacher or friend.