Healthy Conversations to have with Young Men
A blog for educators, parents and caregivers, written by Donny, an SB facilitator
I’m Donny (he/him), one of Split Banana’s relationship and sex educators. I’ve been in classrooms for a long time, and I’ve been a man for much longer. I’ve worked with kids in a wide range of spaces, including in sex and relationship education.
Contrary to some popular discourse, I think it’s an exceptionally hard time to be a guy. That isn’t to diminish the violence that women and trans people experience. But I’ve spent the last 10 years in classrooms with young men, and I’ve seen that they experience pressing and pertinent concerns.
I’ve been facilitating workshops which explore the topics of sex and relationships. During this time, I’ve found some of the most telling insights I get into young men's minds are the questions that they ask. When boys are given the option of writing anonymous questions and dropping them into a hat, they really open up.
Educators, parents, caregivers - this blog is for you. Below are three broad concerns that I’ve seen come up in these questions, and my thoughts on how you can discuss them with the young men in your life.
Concern 1: Performance
There is no shortage of young men who have internalised the idea that when it comes to sex, they need to perform. This comes out as questions about kissing techniques, oral sex, penis size, or acceptable time before ejaculation. Underneath the range of questions, it seems to me that young men often really care about being ‘good at sex’. That is, that they have developed the understanding that their role is to turn up, and deliver a good performance.
A young person’s entry into sex can be a vulnerable experience - and of course we want the young people around us to enter the world of sex with comfort and confidence. Which is why it’s so unfortunate that young men are being fed these myths - because the simple truth is, most people are bad at most things the first time that they do them.
I sometimes wonder exactly where this idea of performance comes from - is it a desire to make sure their partners have a good time? A desire to be perceived as a confident, appealing lover? An aversion to embarrassment from their peers? Pressure to appear like a porn performer?
In any case, I think there are three things that you can discuss with the young men in your life:
First, being a man does not mean you need to be the active partner, or even know what you’re doing. Social expectations of men as initiators and leaders can be empowering, but they can also be destructive. Sex should be exploratory, dialogue-based, a two-way street. Young men should think about what they like, ask their partners the same question, and expect that their desires are respected.
Second, there is no script. I get so many questions about what techniques ‘work’. There are so many questions on Reddit, so many videos online - “TRY THIS SECRET TRICK TO BLOW HER MIND”. Young men can be so eager to please and perform that they forget that everyone is different. None of them are catch-all, guaranteed methods.
There are however some effective secret tricks - learn to ask questions and give answers, and to practise, and to fail, and to deal with emotions maturely, and to try it all again. Talking about sex can be uncomfortable, even while having it. If a young man wants for them and their partners to have better sexual experiences, they should practise asking and answering these kinds of questions: “do you like that?”, “should I keep doing this?”, “would you like to do this for me?”, “how are you feeling?”.
With the pressure to perform, to please, to ‘be the man’, it can be easy for young men to forget that they need tenderness. They can move slowly, be honest with partners, ask them questions and offer their own answers. Sex is not a performance or a competition. Healthy and happy sex should be about connection, pleasure, and exploring what feels good for everyone involved.
Concern 2: Readiness
A question that I’ve heard many times in different forms is “why are boys ready first?” - that is, why do boys always seem to be ready or eager to have sex at a younger age, or earlier in a relationship, than girls?
This question is indicative of a broad social pressure that faces young people of all genders. Of course, boys aren’t inherently ‘ready’ earlier or later than girls - people vary widely in their comfort and readiness for sexual activity of all kinds.
Rather, I think this speaks to the idea of the “champ”, the “legend” - the man who has sex with lots of women, who is desirable and strong and able to seduce anyone he wants. There are plenty of worrying things that can result from this thinking. One is this - a young man might well find himself in a situation where sex is an option, and feel like he would be silly to say ‘no’, regardless of what he actually wants. It’s the same thinking that leads to assumptions that men are always eager for sex, and therefore cannot be sexually assaulted in the same ways that women can. A 2021 study by Mankind UK found that half of men have had unwanted sexual experiences - hardly the narrative of the strong man who’s always ready and willing.
When it comes to talking to the young men in your life, consider a message like this: sometimes guys are eager, and sometimes they’re not into the mood. Desire can fluctuate for plenty of reasons - stress, fatigue, body shame, simply not feeling it. Forcing yourself to have sex because you feel like it’s the thing you should do is an unhealthy way to live. If you don’t want to have sex at any given time, then you shouldn’t! Simple as that. It doesn’t make you less of a man, less strong, less desirable. A healthy sexual relationship is one in which everyone involved feels comfortable to ask for what they want, and also feels comfortable to say and hear the word “no”.
Concern 3: being the ‘bad guy’ by default
The recent increase in dialogues around sexual assault and consent are definitely important. They spread awareness, and ask us to think twice. They encourage us to not make assumptions about the comfort and engagement of others. If we all take them on board, we find ourselves in a world that is safer, kinder, and more equitable. Indeed, these conversations should be empowering for people of all genders, for anyone who’s felt unsafe or been sexually assaulted.
But it is all too easy for the language to get blurry, and young men can start to feel accused. I’ve noticed this in a trend in questions that I get in the classroom: “what happens if someone changes their mind/regrets the sex afterwards?”, “what happens if someone makes a false accusation?”, “should you get written consent?”. There’s something important being expressed here - young men are concerned about doing the right thing, and feel scared and confronted by all of the current conversations around sex and consent.
It should go without saying that when young men are exploring sex and their sexualities for the first time, it’s essential that they (like everyone) have a good understanding of the importance of boundaries and consent, for themselves and for others. Each young man has a personal responsibility to navigate intimate relationships with concern and care. But when conversations around consent are paired with “men are trash” rhetoric and implications of men being aggressors by default (accidentally or otherwise), young men can feel that they’re immediately pushed out of the conversation. If a young man is learning about his own sexuality for the first time, and is faced with the notion that he’s already the ‘bad guy’, what else would he conclude?
In the worst cases, messaging around consent can lead young men to respond reactively, thinking that the discourse ignores the fact that they have their own problems and discomforts too - if men are villains by default, what does that mean for the young men who are self-conscious, who are insecure, who aren’t having sex, but want to be? It’s patterns like this that can make young men close up, not engage in the conversation, move towards voices who acknowledge their own struggles and anxieties - a rabbit hole which can lead to the misogynist rhetoric of social media influencers and propagandists like Jordan Peterson or Andrew Tate.
So how can we talk to young men? First, assure them that any of their feelings of confusion, or of being sidelined, are valid. It’s ok to feel like you’re not included in the conversation. It’s ok to feel frustrated or disappointed that you’re not having the sexual experiences that you want. Listen to what they say, and thank them for their insights and perspectives.
Second, tell them that women are people just like them, with their own desires, interests, and insecurities. And one of the best ways to move forward in relationships with them is to treat them like anyone else. Be friends, ask questions, give and ask for kindness, and be comfortable with saying and hearing the word “no”. Help young men realise that women face different challenges — that they are justified in feeling angry at how often they have to deal with badly behaving boys, and how often these issues are ignored by those in their lives and society around them — but that this anger is not directed at them specifically. It is possible to be a good person, to be a good man, and remember that most men are good people.
Third, frame conversations around consent as empowerment. Tell the young men in your life that they can make the choice to be upstanding men, to champion dialogue, respect and equality. Everyone can be an ally and an active contributor to positive change.
Fourth, encourage them to keep talking, to find people in their life who they trust to have these conversations with. Reflection and sharing can be difficult for young men, especially when it comes to feelings of frustration or inadequacy around sex and consent - regular conversations can be one of the best antidotes.
Where now?
It can be a scary world out there. Growing up is a difficult thing to do, and this can be exacerbated by a young person’s background and experiences. Young people have a hugely diverse range of experiences throughout puberty, but what is near-universal is the experience of pressure to act, to feel, to be certain ways. A bit of gentleness, empathy, and creating space for conversations all goes a long way.
I’ll leave you with these tips:
Create a respectful space for young men to open up about their feelings. This might be starting a talking group within your school or organisation. Or by simply letting them know that you’re there if they want to chat.
Listen, validate them and thank them for sharing when they do.
Direct them towards positive YouTube channels and social media profiles that are talking about feminism, consent and about healthy chats for men.
Some places to start (please note that some might contain profanities and sexual references as they are public, online platforms):