It’s about time we cancel ‘virginity’
Let’s prioritise pleasure instead
This blog is for young people aged 16+.
Moving away from PIV sex
When most people hear ‘sex’, they think of penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.
There are 2 main reasons for this:
Sex education of the past has focused on pregnancy-prevention, as as result of PIV sex.
We live in a heteronormative society which tells us that heterosexual, monogamous couples are the ‘default’ and ‘normal’ type of relationships.
Building on these 2 reasons, we’ve been told that penetrative sex is the only ‘legitimate’ type of sex and that ‘virginity’ is directly linked to PIV sex.
But actually sex isn’t just intercourse, it’s outercourse too! Sexual touching, oral, kissing, massaging - anything on the outside of the body counts as sex too. Anal sex and oral sex on the penis are also types of intercourse sex. Further, there are lots of different types of relationships, whether that’s to do with sexuality (pansexual, bisexual, homosexual etc) or formation (polygamous, open etc). All types of sex and relationships are valid, as long as they’re consensual.
Why ‘virginity’ can be harmful
The notion of ‘virginity’ puts a lot of pressure on people. Some people are shamed for being virgins whilst others face pressure to ‘maintain’ their ‘virginity’.
The idea that you ‘lose’ or are ‘giving away’ something holds an unhealthy, sexist power dynamic and also excludes LGBTQIA+ experiences that don’t centre on PIV sex.
The myth of the hymen
The hymen is a deeply misunderstood part of the body. It is a thin membrane which covers some people’s vaginal openings and stretches when subject to external pressure. Sometimes the hymen can ‘break’ due to various things - exercise, tampons or penetration from fingers, a sex toy, a penis or anything else. But not everyone with a vagina has a hymen. And not everyone with a vagina bleeds if / when their hymen breaks.
The hymen myth perpetuates the idea that to ‘lose’ your virginity you must ‘lose’ your hymen or people people with penises cause other’s to lose theirs. This is FALSE and totally heteronormative. The idea of ‘virginity’ has no medical bases.
Because of this myth many people have the expectation that sex will ‘hurt’. This means that lots of people feel fear and tension around intercourse, which can then cause discomfort when having it.
Enjoying sexual experiences
We need to rephrase ‘losing your virginity’ to ‘having / enjoying your first sexual experience’. This includes all types of sex, orientations and relationships.
There are a few things to keep in mind when having outercourse and/or intercourse for the first time:
Consent is essential for all sexual experiences. Check out the FRIES tool for a comprehensive definition.
You must prioritise your sexual health. Have you considered contraception and/or barrier methods? Remember that Sexually Transmitted Infections can be passed through skin-to-skin and hair-to-hair contact as well as genital fluids, so barrier methods like condoms and dental dams are key.
There are methods of relaxation that will help you to feel more comfortable. Things like creating a relaxed environment (being happy in the space itself, creating the right lighting), going slowly and gently and using lube. All types of sex benefit from these relaxation techniques.
Being communicative
The surest way to have a positive sexual experience is to be communicative. Asking questions and sharing your preferences will ensure that you, and others, have a good time.
Try these out for size:
Are you feeling comfortable?
How would you like me to touch you?
Does this feel nice?
Shall we stop / slow down?
Remember you can get in touch with hello@splitbanana.co.uk if you have any further questions.
