A simple guide to great sex-ed: how to talk about sex.
This is part of a wider blog series, where we explore how we all have a responsibility to have better, more open conversations about relationships and sex. Before reading this, make sure you’ve read why we think this is important, and our top tips to get you chatting. This is a blog for adults and educators.
Why is it important to talk about sex?
Lots of young people get key messages about what sex is from TV, films and porn. And unfortunately, the majority of this isn’t giving the best information. Sexual scenes might not show consent, contraception, negotiation, awkwardness etc.
(Caveat - this looks like it’s getting better. We have to shout out the brilliantly real sex scenes in programmes like I May Destroy You, Normal People and Sex Education. Have a watch.)
If adults aren’t openly talking about sex, then young people can feel shame and embarassent. Pressure from peer groups and social media can add to this melting pot, creating expectations and standards that are false and unattainable.
Equally, it’s important to recognise that within the realm of sex, there huge amounts of people who choose not to have sex for a number of reasons. Whether that be abstaining until marriage, asexuality, a result of trauma or just because they are not interested! Not having sex is just as valid a choice as having sex.
What is sex?
A traditional understanding of sex (or what we might have all been taught at school) was ‘when a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina to make a baby’. However:
‘Having a baby’ is just one of many reasons to have sex.
Not all men have penises.
Not all women have vaginas.
You can identify as neither a man nor a woman and still have sex.
‘Penis-in-vagina’ is just one way to have sex: lots of sex happens without a penis or a vagina!
So when we talk about sex we find it useful to think of sex as ‘intercourse’ and ‘outercourse’.
Intercourse is anything penetrative - when something goes into someone. A penis into an anus or into a vagina, or it could be using fingers, or perhaps a sex toy.
Outercourse is anything else that happens on the external body. Oral sex, ‘manual stimulation’, touching, etc.
All different kinds of sex are valid, as long as they are consensual.
Consent is a cup of tea.
4 conversations about sex
1. All sex requires consent.
This tea video is a bit of a classic within sex education. It likens it to the experience of offering, or being offered, a cup of tea. How British. All intercourse and outercourse requires an enthusiastic YES. This can be through saying things like “can I kiss you?” or “does that feel nice?” People think that this is awkward but it’s really not - it’s incredibly important to be checking in with your partner about whether they’re enjoying themselves or not.
And the second part of consent is that the person giving consent must have the freedom and capacity to do so. Freedom means that consent does not count if it’s being given under coercion or pressure. And capacity means that they have to have the wherewithal - for example you cannot give consent if you are asleep or heavily intoxicated. You can read more about the UK laws around consent here.
2. Consensual sex and sexual pleasure are a healthy part of our lives, and shouldn’t be shamed or stigmatised.
Feelings of shame, embarrassment and judgement continue to surround how we talk about sex, and in particular, pleasure. These feelings are connected to a long history of western society using sexuality as a means of controlling, colonising and policing individuals and communities.
But when we don’t about sex and pleasure, we’re leaving people open to having sexual experiences which are unpleasurable, uncomfortable and potentially dangerous. We can lead people to believe that they are undeserving of pleasure and therefore minimise the potential of an enjoyable sex life.
“What does it take to pass the clit test?” Images of a steam powered virbrator and an illustration of a clitoris.
Talking about pleasure doesn’t just mean talking about orgasms. In fact, good sex knowledge is one that knows that sexual activity isn’t always just about an orgasm.
It could start with understanding our basic anatomy and with relation to arousal - such as the existence of the clitoris. It can include conversations around the overwhelming depictions of penis-in-vagina penetrative sex in film, TV and wider culture, and how that might influence our ideas of sex, and who we think deserves pleasure (you could check out the Clit Test for some comparison of good sex!). It could even include having a laugh at some of the earliest examples sex toys to see how they’ve always existed!
This is a conversation that a lot of people feel awkward about. But remember the more regularly you have these conversations or broach these topics, the less embarrassing and staged they feel.
3. Safety must be considered for all sexual activity.
Ongoing conversations around sexually transmitted infections and contraception are a must. And luckily, there are heaps of resources out there with medical information and information on services.
Remember that it’s important that all young people learn about all kinds of sexual health prevention and contraception.
Do not presume somebody's past, present or future experiences based on their gender or orientation - these are not a determinant of someone's sexual experiences.
Sexwise has lots of up-to-date resources, The LGBT Foundation have some excellent guides on sexual health and PrEP and Undressing Disability is a new campaign focused on raising standards in sexual health and sexual awareness for disabled people.
4. People’s consensual sexual choices are valid, even if they are different from our own.
As we’ve said before, sex has a long history of being weaponised against people. A western standard of baby-orientated sex, between a white cis-heteronormative non-disabled married couple is still held up as the ‘ideal’ kind of sex and relationships, and it’s important to understand how and why this has been constructed over time. And it is vitally important to show that positive relationships and sexual experiences exist outside of this construct.
“Children cannot be what they cannot see. But it’s not just about children. It’s about all of us. We cannot be a better society until we see that better society” - Yance Ford
In your conversations, lessons and signposting: are you showing different relationships? Are you working to highlight people’s experiences that are typically erased from these discussions? Are you checking on your own biases and assumptions around people’s sexualities?
Yance Ford said it best in Netflix’s new documentary on trans representation in the film Disclosure: “Children cannot be what they cannot see, and it's not just about children, it's about all of us, we cannot be a better society until we see that better society. I cannot be in the world until I see that I am in the world."
Whether you’re a carer, parent, teacher, or friend, make sure that you are showing, affirming and celebrating all lived experiences when you’re talking about sex and relationships.
What next?
Please get in touch if you’ve put this into practice. Has it been useful, challenging, problematic, tough, or inspiring? We’d love to hear your feedback and experiences.
The next blog in the series will cover the topic of body image, and explore some of the most important conversations to start with young people.
If you’d rather us - at Split Banana - have these conversations then please get in touch on hello@splitbanana.co.uk. We can deliver directly to your group of young people and / or train you or your staff to do so.
Read/ Watch/ Listen
For educators:
Read the books Girls and Sex and Boys and Sex by Peggy Orenstein. Features in-depth conversations with young people in American around their sexual experiences, and amazing insights and reflections from journalist Peggy Orenstein.
Queer Sex: A Trans and Non-Binary Guide to Intimacy, Pleasure and Relationships by Juno Roche features in depth interviews with transgender and non-binary people. It’s an incredible read and provides a welcome reflection on how heteronormative narratives tend to dominate our understanding of sex and relationships.
Watch Sex Education on Netflix. We really think that it’s pretty accurate in its depiction of blind spots which occur in young people’s knowledge due to a lack of good sex-ed. And it’s a great starting point to understanding what young people want to be learning about in terms of sex and relationships.
Listen to the Sex Ed podcast. It features interviews with all the greats working within sex education, and provides so many different perspectives of what people think should be included when we talk about sex.
For young people:
Read we asked our favourite queer bookshop Category Is to provide the recommendations for this post! Here they are:
Wait, What? by Heather Corinna - a comic book guide to sex, relationships and growing up. It's aimed at teens and really positive and inclusive.
Quick and Easy Guide to Sex and Disability by A. Andrews - another little graphic novel, so brilliant and specifically about celebrating disabled bodies and brains.
Watch the Bits and Bods Youtube series, which has great bitesize videos around heaps of sex-ed topics made for young people.
Listen to the The Sex Wrap podcast series, which answers a lot of questions that young people tend to have. A great place to find information!
