A simple guide to great sex-ed: our top tips.
We get it. It can be awkward having conversations with young people about relationships and sex. They can shut you down, tell you to p*ss off, say that they’d ‘rather learn from experience’ or run away giggling.
In order to avoid all of the above, we think it’s better to maintain and nurture a safe space rather than having the singular ‘talk’. Better to do little and often, rather than sit them down for an evening of (embarrassed) listening. Better to show them that you’re there for them, non-judgmentally, rather than only tackling the topic when specific issues arise.
Let’s move away from sitting them down in their bedrooms - or in a one off lesson - for a ‘the birds and the bees chat’ and instead make a habit of looking at what’s on TV, in pop culture, history and the news to encourage ongoing conversations.
A picture of birds and bees watching a TV screen with images from the television shows Euphoria, I May Destroy You and Sex Education.
It’s about being there - for and with them - not speaking to or at them.
Like we’ve said before, we all have a responsibility to be having better conversations about relationships and sex. Every little conversation you have contributes to a better, more inclusive, sex-positive environment for young people.
It’s important to:
1. Be aware of your influence.
Whilst we’re passionate about getting everyone chatting openly, it’s important to reflect on whether you’re the right person to be having this conversation. These are big conversations, so treat them with due respect. Be aware of your own position of power and influence, do your research and remember it is your primary responsibility to safeguard the young person.
This means that you are protecting them from emotional, physical and sexual abuse, and neglect. When chatting, it’s crucial to listen out for red flags and if you hear anything that worries you, follow the safeguarding process within your organisation, pass on to another trusted adult or if you are a parent there are a number of helplines you can call for further assistance.
2. Interrogate and reflect on your own education.
Images from a 1970’s sex education leaflet.
Where did you receive your knowledge about relationships and sex from? Who taught it? How long ago was it? What’s changed since then? What was the overarching narrative that you were being taught? Who did it represent? Who did it not represent?
You should spend some time reflecting on all of the answers to these questions. For most people, their RSE was heteronormative and fertility-oriented, focused on fear-mongering rather than celebrating sex, and all the different bodies, abilities, genders and sexualities we have in the world.
Anatomy of a vulva and the Quigley scale which is a visual system used to assign sex to genitalia.
3. Get clued up.
RSE covers a huge range of topics, experiences and contexts. You aren’t expected to be an expert on everything. But it’s important to find platforms and sources that will support you to continue learning about RSE, and to keep your conversations up-to-date and relevant (you can find a short list to get you started at the end of this blog). Whilst it’s important to reflect on what’s age appropriate, it’s important to not sugar coat this stuff. Not only because you want to treat the young person like an adult, and give them the proper tools and skills, but also for them to be protected when it comes to something like consent.
A great place to start is by checking your own knowledge of genital anatomy as we’ve found that most adults have internalised a lot of misinformation surrounding the vulva and intersex bodies in particular!
4. Make sure young people are seeing and hearing different perspectives (and that you are too).
You should discuss and represent a diverse variety of experiences, not just the assumed experience of the young person you’re chatting to. Just because they don’t have a physical impairment at 15 this doesn’t mean they will never have one, or be in a relationship with someone that does.
Similarly, a young person may identify or present as one gender at the moment, but this might change throughout their lives. And even if this isn’t something that they experience, someone around them almost certainly will.
Cut outs of influencers and activists to follow who talk about a range of subjects which come up in sex-ed. (Left )Chella Man, Jazzmyne Robbins, Emily Yates, Stephanie Yeboah, Ericka Hart (right).
Showing different perspectives is also key to making sure that they reflect on their own prejudices and assumptions, and understand how their knowledge, or lack of, can negatively impact others’ feelings and experiences. We all need to learn about all lived experiences, in order to nurture respect, validation and celebration.
Talk ‘with’ not ‘to’.A common mistake that makes these conversations off-putting for young people - and adults alike - is the idea that adults are somehow ‘passing on’ their experiences, and that there is a 1-way (patronising) power dynamic between adult and young person.
But more often, you’ll probably be the one learning from them. Whether it be about pronouns or TikTok, it’s important to be a good listener, let them share what they know and let it shape your understanding of what it is to be a young person today.
Anonymous question boxed can work really well in class - just be sure to leave time to answer the questions in a follow up session.
5. Encourage curiosity.
Avoid asking yes / no questions that will shut down the conversation. Instead, ask open questions like ‘are there any topics you’re curious about?’ and ‘is there anything in particular you’d like to know more about?’ Let their curiosity lead the way. If you don’t know the answer to a question, that’s okay.
Be honest with them. Let them know you’re unsure, but that you’ll go away and find the answer for them, or connect them with an organisation that can support them. Show them that you’re learning together.
6. Offer alternatives.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do is simply let the young person know that you are there, as a listening ear and a source of non-judgemental support. They might not want to talk when you first initiate, but they know they can come to you later down the line for support. However, if they don’t seem up for chatting at all, that’s also fine. Everyone expresses themselves differently. In school, our anonymous question box always works well and allows students to ask questions without embarrassment. If they’d rather not have these conversations with you, where else would they like to get the knowledge? You could direct them to informational videos, great social media accounts, books, drawings, or maybe they’d be happier speaking to someone else they trust.
If you’re feeling awkward about saying a word, say it fifteen times in front of the mirror. It sounds weird but it works!
7. Embrace awkwardness.
We promise you, this gets easier. The more you chat, the more comfortable you get. Give this a go - stand in the mirror and repeat the word masturbation 15 times. Do the same with other words you might find embarrassing. Let the young person you’re chatting to know that it’s okay to have a giggle - as long as they’re not laughing AT someone. The same goes for you.
What next?
Hopefully these tips help you to feel more confident and capable to have positive and inclusive conversations about relationships and sex. Watch out for the following blog posts in the series, which will cover specific topics in more depth.
Please get in touch if you’ve put this into practice. Has it been useful, challenging, problematic, tough, or inspiring? We’d love to hear your feedback and experiences.
If you’d rather us - at Split Banana - have these conversations then please get in touch on hello@splitbanana.co.uk. We can deliver directly to your group of young people and / or train you or your staff to do so.
We create bespoke programmes and training packages to suit a wide variety of settings, so give us a shout.
Some resources to get you started
Read
What We’re Told Not to Talk About by Nimko Ali - A collection of intimate stories about sex, periods and childbirth.
Girls and Sex by Peggy Orenstein - A book that draws on in-depth interviews from young women and psychologists, academics and experts about what it’s like to grow up as a girl in today’s world.
Boys and Sex by Peggy Orenstein - A book that draws on in-depth interviews from young men and psychologists, academics and experts about what it’s like to grow up as a boy in today’s world.
Queer Sex by Juno Roche - A trans and non-binary guide to intimacy, pleasure and relationships.
Behind Closed Doors by Natalie Fiennes - An insight into the social and political history of sex education.
A Curious History of Sex by Kate Lister - A book that explores the weird and wonderful history of sex, full of historical slang and historical images.
Watch
Mimi on a Mission on the BBC - Mimi Missfit talks openly to young people about nudes, porn, safe sex and many other topics.
Bits and Bods on YouTube - A web series that has the conversation about sex, bodies, relationships and all the bits in between.
Sex, Explained on Netflix - A documentary series of short episodes exploring the social and historical context of topics like sexual fantasties, birth control and fertility.
Listen
The Sex Ed - A podcast that treats sexual health as an integral part of mind and body wellness, with contributors including clinical specialists, sex workers and doulas.
Sex-ed in Colour - A podcast that pulls back the curtain on what it’s like working as a sexuality professional, as a person of colour.
Doing It! - A podcast hosts frank conversations about periods, sex, disability and much more.
The Sex-ed Diaries - A podcast series that focuses on the changes to RSE in English schools.
Disability After Dark - A podcast hosted by influencer Andrew Gurza that shines a light on issues surrounding sex and disability.
Good Sex Bad Sex - A podcast that explores good sex, bad sex and everything that surrounds them.
