Helping a friend with their mental health

Everyone has good days and bad days; it’s part of being human. The important thing to know is how to make the most of the good days and how to look after yourself on the bad days. This will look different for everyone and might include things like sleeping enough, doing things we enjoy, or being mindful. To read more about these, have a look at our tips on ‘How to Improve Mental Health’.

We can’t do this by ourselves. A big part of feeling well in ourselves is being able to have happy, healthy relationships with others and to feel like we belong somewhere. This isn’t always easy, especially when books, tv shows, and social media praises people for being strong and independent. It can make it feel really difficult, embarrassing, or like we’re a burden if we need some extra help from time to time. 

So, we wanted to give you some top tips about how you could help. We don’t need to be able to make the problem go away, but we can help someone to feel able to open up to us when times are hard. A problem-shared is a problem halved!

Don’t Push them to talk about things they’re not ready to talk about

We might be so eager to help someone that we can forget to listen to what they need. Everyone will take different amounts of time to feel comfortable and ready to speak about a problem. It’s important not to push someone as it might make them feel uncomfortable or even stop them from wanting to open up to us at all!

Do: Let them know you are there for them

When someone is struggling, it can be easy for them to keep quiet and not want to cause a fuss. Telling people we are there for them can make them feel that you care about them. This can remind someone that they are not alone and that you genuinely want to help them. In turn, it makes it easier for this person to come and speak to you when they are ready.

Don’t: Try to fix the problem

When we want to help people, it’s easy to try and solve the problem for someone else. We might have had a similar issue or have an idea about what might help. However, we need to remember that what works for one person doesn’t always work for another. Equally, they might have already tried our solutions and just feel patronised.

Do: Listen to them

Sometimes, all a person needs is someone else to listen to them. We can help them to feel understood and validate how they feel. For example, if they tell us they feel really overwhelmed, we can let them know that’s a normal reaction and they are okay to feel this way.

If someone does ask for our advice, we can share what might have worked for us. But, it’s important we offer this as a suggestion, not an instruction.

Don’t: Ask a thousand questions

When someone tells us what is going on for them, it’s natural to be curious. We want to understand what it’s like so that we can help. It can overwhelm someone if we ask them lots of questions. Try to focus on listening and avoid being too nosy: if they want us to know something, they will tell us when they’re ready.

Do: Keep it simple

The best thing we can do is to try to understand how someone feels and know what they need. Try to limit how many questions you ask. Some good examples to stick to are:

⁃                How are you feeling?

⁃                What do you need right now?

⁃                How can I help?

Don’t: Try to be a therapist

I remember thinking it was my job to make all my friends’ problems go away. I would try everything to make it better and end up getting frustrated when I couldn’t. While we can help our friends, it’s not our job to be their therapist. It is tiring helping people, and without training and professional boundaries, we can end up being burnt out. It’s important that we can help them to find a professional who can offer long-term help.

Do: Be a friend

The best thing we can do for them is to be a good friend. You know what makes this person smile or what they like to do when they feel rubbish. Sometimes, we can cheer someone up by making them laugh or doing a silly dance with them. Other times, we might need to listen, be a shoulder to cry on or help them do a bit of tidying up. We don’t need to be perfect; we just need to do our best.

Written by Oliver Hawley