How can I support my teenager’s learning about relationships and sex?
A guide for parents, guardians and caregivers of teenagers
Watching our children transition into teens and adulthood is a privilege. Watching them grow into happy individuals with healthy relationships is even better. These transformations can bring amazing - yet complex - issues for your teen and can feel overwhelming for everyone involved.
We know that most parents, caregivers and guardians (for the readability of the blog, we'll refer to this expansive group as parents from now on) are keen to support their teenager's learning, because educating our children helps them make the right decisions and stay safe. But let's also name the fears here: there is an age-old fear that talking about sex sexualises children. And many adults worry they will say the wrong thing and that it will be awkward!
Firstly, we want to debunk a myth: that talking about sex encourages our children to have sex. This is a mistruth that unjustly scares people and holds no evidence. In fact, evidence from the Sex Education Forum proves the opposite; that speaking with our teenagers about sex means they delay sex until they are ready, and there are less unintended pregnancies and STI transmissions.
We hope this guide will support your conversations, helping you to say the right things and make it a little less awkward whilst you're at it!
Step 1: Interrogating your values, beliefs + narratives
Many of us probably haven't had meaningful conversations with our parents about relationships and sex. Silence and mystery can create feelings of shame and misinformation. The impact of this can prevail late into our adult lives.
Reflect on your early experiences of relationships and sex. What do you wish you had known? You might chat this through with a friend or reflect using sentence prompts alone.
Avoid projecting your own experiences. We all have different beliefs and experiences. At this early time in your teen's life, it's key they feel accepted and able to discuss what relationships and sex might mean for them.
Talk about pleasure. This might feel unfamiliar or unnecessary, or maybe we're still understanding our relationship to it. Try to reframe it: an understanding of pleasure (in its most basic form of what we like and don't like) helps us to feel more agency and confidence. Asserting boundaries and desires is essential for consensual experiences that prioritise comfort. If you're feeling awkward about discussing pleasure, why not try using terms like ****' pleasant', 'unpleasant' and 'comfortable', or 'uncomfortable'.
Step 2: Creating a comfortable environment
Over a quarter of teenagers feel worried about sex and relationships, and the majority would like to speak to their parents about it. (NHS source - https://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Talkingaboutsex/Documents/DCSFtalktoyourchild.pdf)
Normalise a little and often approach. A great place to start is informal conversations about relationships in TV, films, or with celebrities. These provide an easy step into talking about relationships and sex that isn't highly pressured.
Choose appropriate timing. Try finding a time and place that is neutral, comfortable and private. E.g., during a car journey, on a walk, or when cooking a meal. Sometimes, it's easier to discuss sensitive topics side by side or whilst busy doing something else. Remember, tone and delivery are important - keep it curious and authentic.
Be brave and cross the awkward barrier. Speaking to your teenagers shows them it's healthy to talk and is proven to help young people feel less pressured to have sex and rush relationships.
Step 3: Using inclusive language
Relationships and sex are different for everyone. People have different identities, preferences and interests - this variation is great!
Use inclusive language. This will normalise the beauty of difference. Often, rhetoric is still focused on heteronormative experiences (which presents cisgender, heterosexual couples as the 'default', whereas there are heaps of different ways to be in relationships, no matter a person's gender or orientation).
Talk about other types of families. Talking about families that differ from your own will help your teenager to understand there are lots of options for loving, healthy relationship structures.
Use the correct terminology. E.G for anatomy: vulva, vagina, penis, testicles, clitoris. Euphemistic or slang terms continue to shroud conversations about sex in shame and secrecy. We recommend using intercourse and outercourse as a way to talk about different types of sex (instead of assuming that 'sex' is solely penis-in-vagina).
Step 4: Two-way learning + checking in on sources
This is an incredible opportunity for you to learn, too! Our teenagers are growing up in a different time and environment to us and are likely to have expanded sources of learning.
Encourage two-way learning and be willing to listen to them. Ask them how they feel about certain topics and where they get their information from. This way, you can check their sources. We know some teenagers are targeted by accounts that spread harmful content, e.g. misogynistic, racist, and ableist. Check-in and direct them to more positive ones.
Foster a growth mindset. Listen to podcasts, watch documentaries, seek out videos on social media (check out our resources for some ideas!), be inquisitive and talk to others parents. You'll be going through a similar thing.
Acknowledge when you don't know something. It's totally fine (and normal!) to not have all the answers. Say this, do some research and come back with an answer. We want to protect our teenagers, but by shutting down conversations or making things up, we risk making them feel like we won't try to understand.
Step 5: Next steps, signposting + checking back in
Now that you've begun the conversation (the real hard work is done!), keep the discussion open.
You might want to set a regular check-in point, to revisit conversations and questions. Openness with your teenager will show them you'll be there for life's other transitions. We also hope this gives reassurance that transitional times are unique and provide a new way to bond and grow with your teenager.
Let us know how you get on in the comments below!
Resources:
Brook Blog: Talking to teenagers about consent and pleasure
NHS Directory of Support for Parents + Carers
Podcast - How should you talk to your teenagers about sex?
